Hi everybody! I’m the proud King of the Kingdom of Gnashing! Pay attention as I tell you all about myself.
Who crowned me King, you ask? I don’t know. I guess the universe did! You know the thing that happens when you wake up one morning and feel all powerful? Well, toodles! I just woke up one day and I knew I had to be the King of Gnashers! I mean, who else is fit for that position?
It ain’t easy at all being the King of all gnashers, but I’ll tell you all I can.
I’m that guy who’s always excited to see my phone’s screen light up to a notification; a call or text from an unknown number or a Facebook friend request, and twice as much disappointed to find out that the unknown number that called or texted belonged to a guy or the friend request was from a guy whose ass is harder than mine and face, rougher and more contorted than Quasimodo’s.
Why couldn’t it just be a sexy damsel calling to say, “Hello sweetheart, you look so cute, would you like to take me out tomorrow? And then we can become lovers and get freaky in bed later”
Call me a dreamer – say I’m too ambitious and overly hopeful but I will not allow you to convince me that the probability of that occurring is close to zero.
I’m that guy who’ll like all your girl’s photos on Instagram and blow up her profile just so she notices me – it’s no fault of mine that I long to be seen.
I’m that son of a bitch who enters your girl’s DMs and gives her vibes whose magnitude she’s never beheld – I’ll succeed at stealing your girl because her curiosity will win over her commitment.
I’m that nitwit who’s been all over the place. I know all the filla in town and I’ve got dirt on every nigga out here. Enough to make a person wanna disappear forever.
I’m that sly fox who’s always on the lookout, ready to catch your saucy babe when you let her fall. I’ll be her refuge and give her a shoulder to lean on while I comfort her by rubbing my soothing palm on her heavenly ass, I’ll reassure her by sweetly whispering in her ear that everything’s gonna be alright and stealing love bites every now and then. What? Is it my fault that you can’t keep your girl close? Well, that’s perfect for me cause I’m the general rebound dude! I’m naturally an opportunist – an apex predator – I’m in a league of my own – so this isn’t out of character.
I am the bestie to all my boys’ girlfriends and I make sure I enjoy my position well. Of course I will dance with your girl at a party and grind the hell out of her butt, of course I’ll hold her waist when we’re walking and of course I’ll give her a hug when I meet her. Why? Cause that’s what besties do!
It’s 11:58pm at night and your girl is heartily laughing with someone over the phone. It’s Friday night and she’s going out to visit a friend and probably spend the night over. Do you wanna know who her mystery friend is? Hahaa, well, calm down, I do not wanna be known for this.
You see, out there, I’m the celebrated King of Gnashers but do you know the number of girls queued up in my DM ready to go out with me? I only tell them I’m not ready for a serious commitment, but I sure do tap their asses whenever they’re in the mood.
I’ve never had a serious girlfriend but I’ve been with far too many girls than you can count.
But I’m still gnashing.
Oh, I never say never!
I guess I just haven’t figured this love thing out yet, and until I do, I shall enjoy my time as the King of Gnashing!!!